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Death to Self

I am taking the time to reread my old journal entries from 2010. I want to make sure that I am obeying everything the Lord instructed me to do last year. On more than once occasion, the Lord spoke to me about remaining silent before accusers...which isn't just accusers of ME...but of other people. Will I give 'my two cents' when someone is accusing another person? Or will I remain silent to their conversation? OR...will I speak blessing about the accused? Whoa. It all begins with the crucified life. The Lord instructed me on living a crucified life last year. Below is a powerful word that he spoke to me in July. I read it and reread it...and reread it...only to say OUCH every time! It hurts...but it's a good kind of hurt.


July 14, 2010

How do I know if I’m dead, Lord? You say in this book that death is easier for those who ask for it. This is a tall order. One I don’t want take lightly.  I don’t want to just ask for it because I’m suppose to….I want to WANT to. I want to desire death to myself. I can sense that I hold onto some emotions that are not you. Help me embrace the cross. How do I know if I am really dead?

“This is a place of suffering. See the crown on my head? I wear it because I came here to the cross. I took up my cross in the very presence of my Father, in the very place of His holy presence, before his throne….I took up my cross. In his presence, in the heavenly realm, the place of the cross was chosen. This is the place (before the Father’s throne) where one decides in true honesty to take up the cross. You want to choose it for the right reasons…then choose from this place. Do not leave my presence. Cling to the King. Run to his table. Humble yourself before the throne and my Father will lift you up. He will lift you up even as I was lifted up…on the cross of suffering. This is the safest place, my dear. Those who are truly wise will humble themselves in the heavenly place and will be lifted up only in God’s eyes. When people saw me on the cross, they did not think of it as exaltation. Only God saw the glory. This will be true of you. Many people will not understand the glory of death to self. They will mock, they will jeer, they will say you deserve it, not knowing that it is the hand of God, the favor of God to crush you; the safest place.

You want to be holy and pure, my daughter. Such a wise prayer. But now, hear me. It begins at a new level; a place of not just purifying…but dying. There is a part of you that is afraid to let go…as if those emotions justify your heart. Let them go. They only hold you back. Religion is so damning. It makes you think your anger, your disdain is from me. It is a trap and only the cross can cure it. Meekness and humility are only formed in the death chamber. They only come here.”

Kill what is unholy in me!

“Sister, allow your whole self to be laid down. Do not pick and choose. Even what seems good to you may not be good. What if it is yesterday’s season and you are trying to live in it? Are you willing to lay it down although it was good?  The best rest comes to those who lay it all down. This is the great invitation. Come and die…and receive spiritual rest. The abandoning of your will, of your mind, of your soul desires, gives birth to ultimate freedom. Death is the place of greatest freedom, for only then do you have no responsibilities in yourself. You trust only in what the Living One can give you.”

Then kill me. Let your word pierce me. Let the nails drive deep and do not let me off of this cross until I truly understand death. Until every emotion towards your people is yours. Until every motive is yours. Until every desire is yours. Remove that which divides me from your body. Unite my arms, my legs, my heart as one. I have no rights to angry emotions, to opinion. Help me empty myself of both. Kill them, Jesus. Help me understand the ways of how you kill them. How do you, Lord?

“Opinion is a strong enemy. It is hard to kill. The surest way to kill it is to learn to humble yourself in the presence of those whose opinions of you are low and wrong; to give no answer to your accuser, like I was silent before the crowds. No need of defense. Can you remember this image when you feel the need to defend yourself? The Lamb…silent before the slaughter? See, keeping your eyes on ME is vital to remaining dead. When you seek to be justified, you resurrect that which I am trying to kill. But it, justifying yourself, is a resurrection of death…not true life. Begin here to empty yourself of wrong emotions and opinion. Begin at the judgment seat. Understand the image. See me bound and wounded and silent. You, stand before the judgment seat, bound to my word, bound to my life, my righteousness…so you cannot loose yourself and defend yourself. Your hands are bound to what I have spoken. You may be wounded, but the wounds of a friend are good. Sometimes, these ‘unjust’ wounds are brought to you through me. I allow them as a friend (Pr 27:6; ; Ps 141:5); Faithful are the wounds of a friend.”

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