Today, I took some time to pray outside. Though it's a bit nippy, it's a beautiful day today. The sun was shining bright as I began to walk down a gravel road, talking with my God. As I walked and talked, my mind began to confess my many weaknesses. I have a lot of things on my mind right now - I'm seeking direction, His will for my life, His path and purpose for me - and as often is the case in these 'big moments' of life, I tend to put my focus on myself. Walking down that road, I began to fret, worrying that I am going to miss God's best. I mean, since I'm asking for Him to show me what step is next AND since I'm not hearing or seeing it, there must be something wrong with me, right? Maybe I haven't sought him hard enough. Maybe I should be fasting everything. Maybe there is some hidden sin in me. Maybe Me. Me. Me. Me.
It was in that moment I began to confess who the Lord is for me - my rock, my shield, the glory and the lifter of my head. I thought, I need to build myself up in the Lord and just focus on who He is. So I did - God is my Light, God is my source. And then what happened? I started feeling my weakness even more. I told the Lord that I was so disappointed in myself that I was so weak that I couldn't even go a few moments without having to build myself up in Him. I began to tell him how I should be waaaaay beyond this in my walk! I mean, come on! I should be so solid in my walk with him that I don't HAVE to build myself up and constantly confess who He is to me. I said, 'Lord, I am so sorry for confessing who you are to me. I shouldn't have to confess every few minutes who You are for me and in me! I should just be able to see You alone and not who You are FOR me.'
Now, it may sound silly to those who are reading this, but this is how I really felt. I mean, I want to be Super Christian! No weakness! No need to 'build myself up'...because I have super Christian strength! Able to jump over buildings with a single bound...or at least over my weakness.
It was in that moment that the Lord came to me like he always does: gently. He immediately spoke to me from Jeremiah 1:12 - the LORD watches over HIS word to perform it. He reminded me that His promise to direct my life had nothing to do with what I do...but everything to do with who He is and what He does. HE performs His word...not me. HE makes all things work together for good...not me. HE delivers me...not me. In that moment, the Lord once again reminded me of the beauty of weakness. He said to me:
I made you a vessel that I could fill. I AM your strength. You were made to fill. So, youARE a weak vessel!
Rejoice in that! Rejoice in your weakness! Boast about it! For only then can
you be filled with strength! This is why Paul said that! He knew that as long
as he thought he had something to bring to the
table that was of worth, he would be in the way of MY ways.
He went on to say:
You were MADE weak and you will never BE strong. I AM strength, child. Period. You are not. YOU will never be strong so quit trying. J You will always be one who fully relies, fully depends. THIS is how you were created. Rejoice in your weakness or you cannot be filled. Say, ‘I am weak but you are strong’ daily! Daily, child, and you will grow in abiding in my presence. This is where it starts though, child…by affirming yourself in me…not simply affirming yourself. You felt it was weak and self centered to constantly be having to remind yourself of who you are in me...of who I am, but nothing, no nothing, could be further from the truth. This is HOW you are made strong. You are made strong as you daily gaze, as you switch your view from you to ME. The only time I want you to look at YOU is in light of ME.
God then dropped on my heart the passage from Psalm 118:14, "The Lord is my strength and my song; He has become my salvation." The Father began to show me this paradox: in my spirit, the Lord IS...and He is BECOMING. Right now, presently, the Lord is total salvation in me. He IS my strength! He is my song! But...in daily learning to depend on who he already is, he is becoming TO ME my strength, he is becoming TO ME my song, he is becoming to ME my salvation. As I CONFESS, as I did on the road, who the Lord ALREADY is in me, I train myself to believe and to see that He IS my salvation…the salvation of my soul, of my inner man, of my mind. He BECOMES that to me as I confess who He already is. In his gentle way, the Lord was teaching me that as I call on him in my weakness, He is making ME become like Him. He is able to take my emptiness, my weakness, and fill it with Him. Suddenly I see, I am the one who is becoming. I'm becoming like Him. How? Not by proving how strong I am or how good I am to Him...but in confessing how weak I am...BUT how strong He is. Truly, I can boast in my weakness.
So, walking on that gravel road today, I changed the focus of...well...my self focus. From the weakness of my heart I declared, who he is and who I am: the Lord is my strength. He is my song. He has become my salvation! I am boasting in my emptiness! I am boasting in my nothingness! and Jesus is filling me up. Man, I never knew until today...weakness looks good on me.
It was in that moment I began to confess who the Lord is for me - my rock, my shield, the glory and the lifter of my head. I thought, I need to build myself up in the Lord and just focus on who He is. So I did - God is my Light, God is my source. And then what happened? I started feeling my weakness even more. I told the Lord that I was so disappointed in myself that I was so weak that I couldn't even go a few moments without having to build myself up in Him. I began to tell him how I should be waaaaay beyond this in my walk! I mean, come on! I should be so solid in my walk with him that I don't HAVE to build myself up and constantly confess who He is to me. I said, 'Lord, I am so sorry for confessing who you are to me. I shouldn't have to confess every few minutes who You are for me and in me! I should just be able to see You alone and not who You are FOR me.'
Now, it may sound silly to those who are reading this, but this is how I really felt. I mean, I want to be Super Christian! No weakness! No need to 'build myself up'...because I have super Christian strength! Able to jump over buildings with a single bound...or at least over my weakness.
It was in that moment that the Lord came to me like he always does: gently. He immediately spoke to me from Jeremiah 1:12 - the LORD watches over HIS word to perform it. He reminded me that His promise to direct my life had nothing to do with what I do...but everything to do with who He is and what He does. HE performs His word...not me. HE makes all things work together for good...not me. HE delivers me...not me. In that moment, the Lord once again reminded me of the beauty of weakness. He said to me:
I made you a vessel that I could fill. I AM your strength. You were made to fill. So, you
He went on to say:
You were MADE weak and you will never BE strong. I AM strength, child. Period. You are not. YOU will never be strong so quit trying. J You will always be one who fully relies, fully depends. THIS is how you were created. Rejoice in your weakness or you cannot be filled. Say, ‘I am weak but you are strong’ daily! Daily, child, and you will grow in abiding in my presence. This is where it starts though, child…by affirming yourself in me…not simply affirming yourself. You felt it was weak and self centered to constantly be having to remind yourself of who you are in me...of who I am, but nothing, no nothing, could be further from the truth. This is HOW you are made strong. You are made strong as you daily gaze, as you switch your view from you to ME. The only time I want you to look at YOU is in light of ME.
God then dropped on my heart the passage from Psalm 118:14, "The Lord is my strength and my song; He has become my salvation." The Father began to show me this paradox: in my spirit, the Lord IS...and He is BECOMING. Right now, presently, the Lord is total salvation in me. He IS my strength! He is my song! But...in daily learning to depend on who he already is, he is becoming TO ME my strength, he is becoming TO ME my song, he is becoming to ME my salvation. As I CONFESS, as I did on the road, who the Lord ALREADY is in me, I train myself to believe and to see that He IS my salvation…the salvation of my soul, of my inner man, of my mind. He BECOMES that to me as I confess who He already is. In his gentle way, the Lord was teaching me that as I call on him in my weakness, He is making ME become like Him. He is able to take my emptiness, my weakness, and fill it with Him. Suddenly I see, I am the one who is becoming. I'm becoming like Him. How? Not by proving how strong I am or how good I am to Him...but in confessing how weak I am...BUT how strong He is. Truly, I can boast in my weakness.
So, walking on that gravel road today, I changed the focus of...well...my self focus. From the weakness of my heart I declared, who he is and who I am: the Lord is my strength. He is my song. He has become my salvation! I am boasting in my emptiness! I am boasting in my nothingness! and Jesus is filling me up. Man, I never knew until today...weakness looks good on me.
I've been going through this in a similar way lately, trying to make the focus solely on Him, and trying not to ask for help. But if it's His plan to constantly make me more like Jesus, and I resist that, isn't that pride?
ReplyDeleteHere I am, Lord. You're awesome, and I want to do whatever YOU want to do, right now.